Want to cry...........

I really want to cry, but i donno how, I try so hard to cry, but I can't. Yesterday, I thouhgt I still thought I can cope with my feeling, but today is another diffrent story. Today in school, I have been call out by dicipline teacher, and have been punish for being late to school 22 time. Beside this, he ask me to report to him everyday before 7.30 and ask my parent come to see him next week. If not I will be "gantung". Wondering why are this happend to me, is that becuase my life does not bad enough, they instinctly want to do something to make my life worse?
Yesterday night, my aunt have quarell with his husband, I was in room. I really scare. Listen on thier fight remind me to the old day that my parent used to fight. It is very frightening everytime they are fight, and I can do nothing beside sitting there and cry. Trying to stop them from fighting will only scold by both of them. There is problem betwend all the family members in my house, my mom cannot stand my father and the other women my father have, my father cannot stand with both of his women and think they are anoying, my aunt disagree with what myu father do to us, but she also dislike my mother action. Everytime I feel sad because of this, my friend will only tell me, is not my business, i don't have to feel sad. And thought that, I'm thinking to much and worry to much.
Am i thinking too much? Or is just they are not understand with what I'm facing? That is all my family, how can I not to think about their problem and feel sad when I couldn't solve it?

Don't like to regret.....

In my 16 years of living, I had regret for two time. Once is in Form 2. That was a long time ago story. That is the second year I'm in the secondary school, everythign is still very fresh for me. And i don't have a lot of friend, especially girl friend. She Prisscila is the first female best friend in my life. That time i have fall in love to one of the girls in our class. And she have give me whatever advie she can give to me. And she have acompany me when I'm sad because that girl don't like me. Everything is very normal, and very fun also. My first time out with friend, she is the one who ask me out. at that moment, i thought that, our friendship will last forever. But everything is diffrent when i found out that, she had fall in love with me. And i try my best to deny my feeling toward her. And I'm very succesfull, atleast i thought I'm successfull. After i have reject her, I regret already. I know that I love her a lot, but everything is over when the time I realize about this. Since then, i have promise myself not to feel regret anymore in my life, only make the decision that i will never regret.
I almost felt that feeling again last day, but today, that is a big changing in the situation. He came to talk with me again. I can feel that he was telling true. Never lie de.
And I'm quite hate myself lately, always watching tv and never study, become very lazy liao. And exam is coming. What shall i do??

People are changing....

People is changing as we glow up. We had meet with diffrent type of people in diffrent stage of life, and i believe that, no matter how close you are getting with someone. There will still be a day to say good bye. So i guess, before we learn to be happy with what we have, we have to learn to say good bye. There is a right timeing for everything to let go, thing will never getting better if we keep it here. It may be another good start when we let go something.
I have thing so much about letting go is because, gratuation is near. And I still not prepare to say good bye with my friend. Everything is still fresh. Is just like, I have step into this school yesterday. Eventhoght I'm not a popular person in school and i never be. But i still hope that, this stituation will keep on until we have prepare to go. Maybe we have not prepare for the future chalenge. All this maybe is just one of the excuse i use to make myself stay.
I believe that, there is a bright side behind the darkness. Eventhought i have to face with the leaving scholl sadness. Thats still something for me to feel happy of. Today will be the third month we(kent and me) being together. Neverthought we can be together for this long time. Everything is just like a dream. And i don't feel that we have only be together for three month only. We have been through so much thing together.
Mayeb is because I'm too sensitive, or what. I have notice that, there is some change have happend to him lately. And i can't tell what exactly the change is, but I''m sure that, something is diffrent aboput him, i know it. hopefully that, this kind of change will never damage our relation. And I hope that we will be together forever. I'm still wish that, next year bon-o-dori. He will be the one who go with me. The one I love.
I'm hope i have glow as I'm getting old. Think more mature to face with future chalenge....

A week in hell.....

Last week everything is just like hell for me. Get sick from tuesday, suffer because of cold and headheach. And the most importan one is, I cannot tell kent how am i doing. Because he is sick also, and eric is sick all the time. So, i should not be his another burden. Telling him I'm sick or I was not feeling well will only pull me into hell. But i guess that is not important, since i have recover already.
After i recover, i realize something. Being heathy is fun. So, we have to take care of our body, not to fall sick so easily..
Donno what to say liao, to be continue...

Seems like sleeping is a difficult task nowaday.....

I'm the kind of people who cannot be wake up after falling assleep. But after i meet kent, everthing is differnet. Sometime is hard to sleep without him beside me. Is a very warming experince to sleep beside him, got someone to hug me when i feel cold at night. Maybe is because I have been used with the feeling to sleep beside him, this had make me cannot sleep with out him beside. Yesterday is the same, suddently i feel lonely, and cry off. As i remember, i have been a month or two have not cry like this already. Feel very comfortable. This is been a very stressful time for me. Result is bad, and trying to do my best, have to deal with the new life style to stay with my aunt. Have to miss my bf all the time cause only can meet him once a month. I'm just wish that got someone to share my feeling. Then i will never feel so stressful already.

I really want to go.......

I thought i can go to his house today, I thought what i have to do is just asking my pareant, I thought they will allow me to go his house once i have tell them. Because of all of this i thought, i been happy for two day. And yesterday, after i'm asking my parent, the answer is shocking me. They don't let me go. Is been sometime after the last time i went to his house, feel lonely because cannot go there. Wondering why am i feeling this way? Is that because he make me feel save when i beside him, or i feel comfortable when I'm be with him? I think the only reason is I love him, I will never feel lonely when I'm be with him. Recently i miss him a lot, this had never happend since the eric incident have rise up. Wondering what is he doing anytime anywhere, even i know that he is working. After being with him for two month, I'm become stupid again, acting stupid. Even he also notice about my weird reaction, he thought something have happend to me, maybe he was right, something was happend, Now i love this guy more. This is the only reason for my weird reaction. Now what i will do is go off line, and when home to ask my aunt again, cause I REALLY WANT TO GO/////

Feel lonely....

Today school timetable is boring. Once again i think alot of rubbish things. Wondering why my bf is still with me, compare with eric, i'm really nothing. They look so nice when both of them being together. Am i the one who are not suppose to appear? Been in this relationship is difficult for me in the first time. But now, I already used with it. This really not my first time, and sure he is not my first love. but be with him i feel so helpless. Getting lonely and missing him all the time. This kind of thing never happend when i with other people. He say he manage to control himself not to miss someone so much. I wonder how did he manage to do this. Even if i just be beside him, i will feel saver, and happier. This is kind of feeling that his the only one can give me. Wondeering will i have to leave him someday, cause i still cannot imagine a day without him in my life. People tell me this is bad, I should not be to depentent to somebody, even is the one i love, have to prepare myself to be indepentend. So that i still can move on without anyone in my life. Maybe the peole who are saying have not feel the feeling to be protected. Or to be care. Maybe is because he give a lot of attention to me when we just started, thats why i willing to forgive him no matter what he did. He is a weird person, really don't like people to cheat on him, but he did it himself. Shall I blame him for this? I don't think so, right this moment, i only want him to be happy. Aand he seems really happy when he be with eric. Maybe himself did not realize, he is not hapy before eric appear. I don't have to compare he love me or eric better. Cause i know, he will be happier if he be with him. Maybe this is the main reason i donno why are him still be with me. But i do believe his still love me. I still got a importaant place deep inside his heart. I tell myself.........

What am i thinking?

I'm not really want to come to cyber cafe one. Trying to safemoney. Almost broke liao. But my sis still pull me here. I thinki still have time to boost my result. Afterall, i still have 3month to prepare for my exam. And i knw that this exam is reallyimportant for my future. My future is count on this. Feel sicktoday, no appetide to eat also. But i have force myself to eatsomething. Maybe i should tell my boy friend that i'm not feelingwell. But i really donno how to tell him how am i doing already.After all the things have happend, our relationship have back tonormal. But something is deffrent, i feel that is hard to seekcare and concern from him. Maybe i should tell myself, i can seekcare and concern from my friend too, i'm not really have to askthem from him also. donno why am i acting like this, i'm reallydon't mind about this three people relationship already. I wanthim to be happy, and he is happy with this waay, so i'm happy forhim too. Actually it is a bot fun too. Sometime me and my brothercan bully him together. haha I think the reason i donno how to tell him what do i feel isbecause, i feel them i'm no value to him liao. Still remember thelast time i feel saaad in ront of him, that day i'm very scare,scare he will leave me, so what i do is beg him to stay. Now i think back, did my action make myself cheap? I wonder. But i'm glad we are still happy together...

Get start with a new Blog...

This is the third blog i have in the internet world. Now is 4o'clock, still don't want to go home, hanging around in theInternet Cafe. Because i know that, when i'm go home, i will feelthe sme feeling. Lonely. Is weird, yesterday, i didn't close my eyes for a second. But istill don't feel sleepy now. I know that my kent(my bf) is now with eric(his another bf), sohe may not have time to chat with me or anything. so better if idon't go home first. Yesterday i facing with the same oldproblem, misunderstandind betwen my father and mother, even iknow what is happening, but i still can't stop them frommisunderstood each other. feel useless.