Shamefull.....

I thought this kind of thing will never never happend again. But, it just happend. Without my control. Today after the second paper, I went to walk around my school area. And can you guy guess who did I saw? Kent. And will you belive what I had did? I walk away so that he wouldn't notice I'm there. I'm not sure why am I doing this, I just know I can't help the feeling to confront with him. Even I have put him away from my mind, the fear is always there. Hate to refresh my memory about all the once had happy moment.
today is not a lucky day, first i had saw him, and can you guess what i did during the exam? I mistakely bring my hp go in, plus, the hp is not in silent mood. I must be crazy, i kept worry what will happend to me if the hp ring. At last I decide to tell the examinerthe true, and he ask me to switch off the hp and put it on the desk. I was damn lucky because didn't get kick out of the exam hall...
Shamefull day..

Blue.....

Is been a long time I didn't having this kind of feeling already. And I thought I have forgoten this feeling for good. I felt this yesterday, right after my uncle have scolded me. His scold is not the causes that make me feel sad, his scold is actually quite pointless. The one who make me feel like this is myself. Is been a long long time I didn't take time to think about myself already. When I did so, I find that mylife is quite pointless.
To take sometime on this thinking, I turn out the light in my room, lock myself inside the room and ignore the phone that my aunt caal to ask me take care of my own dinner. It was 8.30, and i stay awake in the darkness untill 11 something. I been thinking alot in that perioud.
Before this year, I used to thought myself as a very usefull and very responsible person, thats always something have to done by me, thats always someone who ask a favor from me, and that is always a task that can only accoplish by me. It was the time I feel usefull with myself, life is meaningfull that time. Even I felt boring because I had left no time for my own. I remember this useless me start at this year, when I get sick of hard working all the time, sick with boring at all the time and maybe when I start playing the run away from house game or when I actually move out from my mom house. Since then, my time is all about playing, sms-ing, watching tv and all the thing that is not produtive to the country nor the family. I didn't realize about this till yesterday.
I'm trying to review what happend in this few month, life is actually about playing dota, sing K, online chatting, sms-ing, missing people, dating maybe? , watching tv and all about fun. What shall I say? I guess a rubish or junk can make themself more usefull then I do. I didn't really work hard enoughy on my revision for this so big exam. I shall actually feel shame about myself.
When people ask about my result on the trial during my job searching journey, I am actually feel shame of myself with that kind of result. And I should have a better result if I work on it.
Since I was a kid, life is full of ambition, I know that I have to succesfull when I had grown up, to grand a better life style. Now, I don't think I have one, day is too easy for me. Everyday I wake up, that is nothing I have to work on, I can't even find anything is more contribute to work on.
I don't like this. I hate who I am now. Yesterday is the first time I crying because of my own, not because of other guy, not because of the fighting of the family, is about me. A me that might be no future. Or a future is not in my dream. A me that I really hate it, for the first time, because of what I did and how i been in this year......
I wish I will like myself again, in next year. By then "he" will become a more usefull person, even "his" life is full of joy..

Distance........

Even when time change, distance have been shorten by mankind with all the tecnology and transportation they have invented. Distance is still a biggest factor in love. This is true and have been proven by alot of people, one of it is my friend daniel. I was happy for him when he say that he is now attach liao, with a 13 boy from hong kong. I thought they can prove that this fact is wrong, distance is never a problem. And now they have broke up, not sure what is the real reason, but i'm sure distance is always one of the reson they having.
When we have a lover, we will wish to see him everyday, maybe hug, kiss, watching tv, movie or go shopping. We enjoy the feel to be with him, But when it come to long distance relationship. We may not have that much or no chance to see or love one. No matter how we feel and how are we. They are always to one they to be with you when you need a person to be at your side. Maybe this is the main reason for distance to be the biggest problem on relationship. Some how i still hoping that one day someone will prove to me that I am wrong about this fact. Disstance is never a matter....

The lost world....

Lost... I'm sure almost everyone of us have this experience. Especially when we are a kid, it is not supprise that we will get lost in the bi9g big shopping complex. And this will slighly decrease the amount as we grow older. But, is that mean we never lost ourself anymore? No, we will still get lost, the diffrent is, this time you may never know that you are lost. I'm sure The lost world is quite a famous park among PLU, especially for those who live in k.l. It is a place where a lot of guy went and hang out at night, some even hunt for sex. I heard about this place when I start accepting myself as a PLU, alomst three years ago, but I just went there recently, and find out that it is acyually very cloudy there. I'm just wonder, are there really know what they want when there are there? Or they just curious about how is it to be aas PLU or have sex with guy? Who knows what there really up to? But I have spend a long time to accept myself on this matter. Since the first gay men I met, I have dissapear for quite a few time. Because I will wake up in one day and tell myself that, this is not my destiny. I do this when I have my first and second bf, and I broke up with them without a reasonable reason whenever I feel like I want to escape from the PLU circle.
I finnally get used with it and accepting the fact that this is what I am, and that is the time I finaly find my destination. My life bigger lost is end at that time, but this doesn't mean that I didn't lost myself after that. I nfind that whenever I fall in love with someone I will lost myself, sometime is spending to much time thinking off what he is doing and wondering shall I send him a message or give him a call, in the same time I have to worry if he think that I am annoying or disturbing him. So, love is really troublesome and complicated, just donno why I already know this fact still like to fall in love with people....
Sometiem we are lost when we get hurt, my biggest got sister. Getting hurt by a stupid guy 2 years ago. From that time onward, she come get herself to be serious in a relationship, worry that if she love too deep, she will once again expericen the pain she have tried to escape for a long long time. This is her excuse for herself to have relationship with so many people in one time. I wondering is this true that we have the right to hurt others after we have get hurt. Even we are lost, we shouldn't do anything that will hurt the thirt parties. Especially in love.
Untill now, my philosophy is still befaithfull and sincere in any relation we have to get in without a condition. Having a bf and having sex with other outside is what people do and is something I never agree with. Atleast not now....

Lost.. Bad luck..

I can't believe I have to continue my life without a hp. Its just like brought my out from the hell and through me inside once again. Without a hp, thats alot of thing I cannot do. I cannot send message to interupt people, cannot sms with people when I am boring, cannot recive some funny warming and lovely message from friend. But also got something good de, my parent can never find me through phone when I go out liao. Even don't have hp will make me very unconvenien, but I"m sure is the same desprate for me and my parent to let ma have a phone. So I believe that my father will get one for me soon.. HAHA
I hope that I will have a phone fast and soon. Today is not the right mood to talk about this le..
See ya..

ESCAPE FROM HELL..

I miss the internet so much. After three day didn't get any contact with you, internet. I like living in hell. Especially after the so much torture I have get from the stupid person who inveented exam, and the stupid goverment who make all the form 5 student to seat for SPM, and the stupid school who sign me on so many subject. I'm glad that I have 5 remaining day in hell.
I thought the paper will be very very very difficult, but it seems like nothing close with difficult. Because the paper I take in last few day is still consider very easy to me, except the idiot fizik I seat today. So I am quite confident I will get alot of credit in the result.
I have alot of thing to say, I'm not sure where to start, I guess I will start it from the last sunday. While I was surfing internet, I go to seach on the blog also, and I have found alot of cool blog that I have now link it with my blog. Reading blog is really a joy, diffrent people have diffrent story in their life. some of it is some happy memory and some of it is some painfull experience, and the most important is, they are not movie or story, they are all real. Things are really happend in thier life.
I been thinking about the four month good dream turn nightmare lately, is not like I still haven't recover and forget that nightmare. Is just lately I have face something similar with it, I met someone. And he actually say and promise something that kent use to say. The last person who say it never grand his promise, and this one who repeat it exacty the same, shall I belive it?
Feeling is weird, we own the feeling but we can never control it, is just like the feeling is control by others people. and not belong to us. Or shall i say, our feeling betray us after we have feeling with others.
Remember the kent in ipoh I been saying last time? His getting together with his bf again. And they living together. How sweat it is, I wish that some day I will have chance to live together with the love one, it must me very romantic. Romantic things happend in life is sweat and will stick in your memory. Seeing the friend around me, my god sister, use their every minute to speak, sms get contact with their love one. To releast some of the suffer of missing. Once upon the time, I have this experince also, busy sms with the love one, and repoting where are you and what are you doing now. Never thought it will be so good to report to someone everytime every minute, feel like you are own by someone else, and that someone else are trying thier best to keep them by thier side. Just like they are afraid someone will took away the happiness or the tresure there have one day in the future. Maybe thats what make lover special then the other relation. And I wish I wqill get one real one soon, Cause I miss the feeling to be in love and the happiness of getting suprise.
While I have the english paper, I notice that my english have beed improved. This maybe because of the blog I have write for so long time. It help to pratice my english.
I'm not sure how am I look like, But, there is sometime I like to look at the mirror and admire myself in it. Thats the time I think myself look good and cute. There also sometime I'm not enjoy to look at myself, that was the time I feel I look stupid. However, friends around me never think that way, especially my felow god sister. They always critic how awfull I look, and when I trying to get some advise from them about my hair. They will say, the ugly is in me, not because the hair. How hurt......
Spm will be over soon, and so is my journey as a secondary school student. I have to start seaching for job. Some of my friend did offer an job opputurnities to me, but I'm not sure they are joking or really serious about it. I want to go to play before I really start working, but no money no play. I guess I have to accept the fate to be hard working.
Moving out is still only an idea.
I guess that enough for today, I'm already donno what to write liao..
Hehe...

Incomplete..

No one in the world in born in complete set. Thats why we need the other part to complete us. By this way, you will never feel empty or lonely inside yourself. Thought about this when my friend said he feel lonely and despate to hug and kiss by someone. Someone he love..

Waiting....

Sometime waiting is the best thing to do. You don't know what happend next, and you also don't know what you can do. The only way to make things right is waiting. There no other way, you cannot rush or impatien on this matter.
Life is a journey that full of waiting, when we are baby, we wait to be feed or to be hug, and when we grow up a bit, we wait to get what we want. We wait for six year to come out from primary school, when we are in 20's, we wiat to met the right person to get marry or get stuck with. When we work, we wait for our paycheque.
And I'm not sure I waiting here, I cannot remember since when. I started to check on my phone every second. Wondering why it doesn't rang, and why I didn't get a sms and so on. I keep doing this day after day, without a motif. Sometime I will be happy when the phone really get some message and call, sometime I don't. Because the call and the message didn't actually come from the one I'm waiting for.
Soemtime I forgot why I wait, or who I wait. But, I will still waiting. Even I don't know is it worth to wait for him or he reason to do so. But I will still waiting.....

Spm begin....

I have my first paper yesterday. And I am greatfull that so many people remember my exam and send me their wish. I have BC yesterday. It is really easy. And I"m quite confident I will have a credit on it, maybe get an A too. Maybe because of this, so we just kind of getting crazy or lost our mind. We go to sing K after the exam end at 12.45. I"m not the one raise the idea to go there. But is my fault to join them in this crazyness. Because we have miss the luch hour, so we decide to take the happy hour. Which is end at 6 o'clock. I never sing for this long of time before. It is really tiring. And the weird thing is, we wait untill 6.30, there is no one here to pick up the bill. So, as a very nature action, we just kept on singing. Untill 7, that is it I start to scare might get kill by my aunt for being so late. So I call to the counter and ask when is it our perioud will end, and the suprise is. They ask us to keep it on, they will come in to interupt us if they need that room for other people. Is a good news if this happend on the other day, but it will never a good news if that day I have an exam, and it is a schooling day. So we just ask them to come and pick up the bill to end this insane business.
theres raining out side, and the end is we have to make oursle foget wet and go on the bus. And be home at 8.30 with outself wet and hungry plus tired.
I probaly wouldn't go to red box after exam after this inccident. But, I cannot promise anything.
Since this is my hobby.. haha

Graduation day....

Time is passing fast. Without notice, is already november now. And it is time for the graduation day. The memory of my first day in this school is still fresh in my mind. Although it is not a beutifull or and big school, even smaller then my primary school. But I have lots of memory in this school. I thought I will be crying on the event. But the fact is, I didn't. How supprise it is.
The day before the graduation day, I can felt the nervous and the sad feeling inside me. Because of it, I didn't sleep well at that night. And I woke up very early in the other morning. To make sure everything is in order. Because it is the last day I as the student of the school confucian.
Just like the other ordinary event, it start with alot of boring speech. I( have to say that, this might be the most horrible graduation day I have ever attend. Maybe because of this, none of us is droping a tears. Is just like we are greatfull for leaving the school, like we are torturing ourself for being together. Is funny, but is a presure. That is the last second for all of us hanging together with a purpose. And I think that, the most presure thing I have earn in this school is that the few god sister I have.
After the graduation day, we go to red box in low yat to celebrate by ourself. Sing karaoke is like a ordinary event for us, although I have to admid that, my voice is torturing peopel who are listen. But we still have a great time in it, and we really enjoy it.
People will change after graduate from school, I know it. Even we ask each other to keep in touch. There will be something diffrent inside and around us. I can just hope that my friendship with my few god sister will never end after we come out from the secondary school..
Hoping is all I can do...

Yan zi.......

I have to say, she is a cute lady with a very nice voice, I can still remember when the time she came out, With the first album. Now she already a famoust star. Althought I quite like her song. But I never thought that I will go to see her face by face.
Recent wednesday, the little bear have four ticket to go to see that stephanie at low yat. And ask me to go along. I go along because I like the atmosphere of many people and clowd. But that day is really more than clowd, everyone is pushing around. Anyway, have to say that, It is really a very fun experience, and I'm glad that I go. At the first of the event, I saw someone I didn't thought that I will see him there(kent), get freak out when I saw him beside. And I don't even say hi to him, this might be a bit rude. But I really donno what can I do or what to say when I saw him. So I just pretend I really din saw him, and I trying to hide inside. Some how, soemone saw my action, and notice my change when I saw him. Which is very touching.
nothing to talk about yan zi le..
I guess thats al..
haha

Family??

Almost all of us learn this word when we are very young, maybe in kindergarden. And I thought I know the meaning of it, and I always thought that I have one, eventhough it is not as good as complete like the others have. Now, I started to think, I might be wrong. I really cannot understand why my mother and father get together. Since I was a kid, whatever thier do trying to remind me that, they are not suit for each oher. And tthey maybe not suppose to being together. But some how, for some I-donno-why reason, they have stick together for all this age. Although I have to admit that thei marriage is never good or happy.
Last monday, it happend again, they have a very stupid fight, and the result is, my father slap my mother and kick her out of my father house. From his story, his being so because my mother are acting rediculus by no let my father going out to work. And the stupid thing my father did is, slap my mother and take away her hand phone. I had beed told about this incident few hour later by my cousin, with a not so friendly tougue. Because she cannot find my mother anyway. Even in the house or seaching along the road. Until now, my mother still missing.
Few day later........
Concern is there, but nothing can do about it. Or shall I say, I have get used with this family, things like this is not suprising.
Just went to my mother house, no one in the house. Because I kept the key when I move out, So I can get in very easy. There is no one inside. As far as I see, look like there have been no people inside for a day or 2. I left the house after I have look around the house. And when I come out from it, I ask the neighbour whether they have seen my mother lately. I have been told that, they saw my mom coming out from the house yesterday. so, I guess, I wouldn't have to worry about her. Nothing happend to my mom. Is just she trying to hiding herslef from us only......
Haiz....