Blue.....

Is been a long time I didn't having this kind of feeling already. And I thought I have forgoten this feeling for good. I felt this yesterday, right after my uncle have scolded me. His scold is not the causes that make me feel sad, his scold is actually quite pointless. The one who make me feel like this is myself. Is been a long long time I didn't take time to think about myself already. When I did so, I find that mylife is quite pointless.
To take sometime on this thinking, I turn out the light in my room, lock myself inside the room and ignore the phone that my aunt caal to ask me take care of my own dinner. It was 8.30, and i stay awake in the darkness untill 11 something. I been thinking alot in that perioud.
Before this year, I used to thought myself as a very usefull and very responsible person, thats always something have to done by me, thats always someone who ask a favor from me, and that is always a task that can only accoplish by me. It was the time I feel usefull with myself, life is meaningfull that time. Even I felt boring because I had left no time for my own. I remember this useless me start at this year, when I get sick of hard working all the time, sick with boring at all the time and maybe when I start playing the run away from house game or when I actually move out from my mom house. Since then, my time is all about playing, sms-ing, watching tv and all the thing that is not produtive to the country nor the family. I didn't realize about this till yesterday.
I'm trying to review what happend in this few month, life is actually about playing dota, sing K, online chatting, sms-ing, missing people, dating maybe? , watching tv and all about fun. What shall I say? I guess a rubish or junk can make themself more usefull then I do. I didn't really work hard enoughy on my revision for this so big exam. I shall actually feel shame about myself.
When people ask about my result on the trial during my job searching journey, I am actually feel shame of myself with that kind of result. And I should have a better result if I work on it.
Since I was a kid, life is full of ambition, I know that I have to succesfull when I had grown up, to grand a better life style. Now, I don't think I have one, day is too easy for me. Everyday I wake up, that is nothing I have to work on, I can't even find anything is more contribute to work on.
I don't like this. I hate who I am now. Yesterday is the first time I crying because of my own, not because of other guy, not because of the fighting of the family, is about me. A me that might be no future. Or a future is not in my dream. A me that I really hate it, for the first time, because of what I did and how i been in this year......
I wish I will like myself again, in next year. By then "he" will become a more usefull person, even "his" life is full of joy..