Moving out???

I been thinking to moving out from my house since I was very young. At that time, I was living with my mom. I thought moving out mean that everything will becoming better, I will grant my total freedom. No one will ever set me a curfew to going home. I can go out as early as I want to, and I can even don't coming back to my home if I not feeling I like to. Thats what I dream for since I was very young, And I'm sure that most of us have dream like this when we was a kid. When we still young.
As we grow older, we start to realize how crue life is it. Moving out from our house is not that easy like what we have imagine in our childhood. We have to take care of the cleanliness of the house, reantal fees, electrical bill, some snek.. there is alot of cost of living that we have to pay. That we may not afford. Even if we affod to do so, it wouldn't be easy.
Maybe is beacause of this dream that I have since I was really young that lead to my run away from my mom house at may. Honestly, since the day I run off, moving to live with my auntie untill now. I never really feel regret for my action. Maybe I'm too desprate for freedom, but I do worry I will regret for my action in the future, after I have watch the movie Lead by andy lau, about a kid who want to grow faster. But nothing I can do for myself to prevent this day to come, I just can hope and wish that, this day will never come. And I will try to spend more time with my mom, eventhought spend time with her is not present, but I will try my best to do so.
Back to the moving out issue, I start to stop thinking so much about moving out after I have live with my aunt. But my steve koko got ask me to move out to live with him after I gradutate, not sure he is kidding or not. The plan did not work anymore, cause he is going to work at us or uk in december. Only will come back after a year. And once in a while, I have a dream to live wih my bf. But since now, I don't even have one. So, this plan didn't work out also. And the latest is, my few god sister thinking to moving out after we gradtuate, and asking me whether I want to join them or not. About this, I'm still thinking....

Fever liao.......

I hate fever. Never hate fever as much as i hate it now. Actually I like fever when I was young, cause I have an excuse not to go to school. But, since now is already holiday, There is no reason for me to get a fever. Perhaps I have no body to blame. Baceause lately, I seldome drink water. This maybe the cause of this fever I'm having now. And I guess, What I"m eating this 2 day, will not going to help me cure this desease. I have cake and dumpling for food yesterday and today, some how, I can feel that, I almost lose my why voice. Getting better at yesterday night liao de. But this morning get worse again. Maybe is because I din sleep enough yesterday.
I really hate fever. I shall start remind myself to drink more water. Maybe this is because, once upon a time, I have people to remind me to drink more water.
Since there will be no one like that liao, I shall remind myself...
IS time to drink some water......

Tea,True love and sex...........

I hear this line in a TV series lately, " you are not my cup of tea". This have inspire me alot, We keep saying that we are looking for the right person. And the right person is, who we think is nice and love. But, do the person we think is right feel the same way like we do? Most of the time is not, thats why the journey for seaching a good lover is difficult. We are not just looking for a right person. The right person also have to see us as his right person. Love is complex and complicated, Somepeople take it as a game. It can be a game also, But I"m not sure they will be any winner for this game. We are all loser in front of love. Some people will fear to get hurt. But this will only make them hurt more. People who scare to get hurt will never put all their heart in love. They will hold some of it inside. Becaus eof this, they can never really enjoy the happiness of love, like I say, everyone will sure get hurt, is just depents is deep or not. The people who scare to get hurt will hurt more because they didn't have the happiness memory to heal themself when they hurt...
People got keep on reading my blog will know this. I'm easy to have feeling with people. Almost every nice friend of mine I have feeling with them be4. Is just, I'm not their cup of tea. So, I never really tell them and face the feeling. The feeling will gone sooner or later. Thats why I face this situation very often. Plu is diffrent with normal one, even you are not people cup of tea, you might have a chance to have sex with the people you like. Even they donno about your feeling. This might be good or sad. Having sex with someone you like is cool and good, But you can only have sex with him, Thats the sad part. And you can never show that you have feeling with them after you have sex with them, If you know that you are not their cup of tea. You might lose the only chance to be with them. Even it is not love.
Thats why, I seldome have sex randomly with the one I have feeling. I have to have de idea that, I will never own him, If I decide to have sex with him. Cause, the best form of relationship is still, love first sex later......
This is a nature prinsip, hardly have people to break this rules.........

Most happy birthday ever.......

I say as I really feel like that. I din expect anything for this birthday. But turn out, the result is, this had become the most happy birthday ever in my life. Trust me, I'm not lying. This birthday is really full of joy and suprise. The birthday start getting fun when my 3rd ex call to wish me happy birthday at 9 something, and then continue when the 4rd ex call me to wish me at 11. And now is the supprise, someone call me. Someone I dun even expect him to remember my birthday, someone who is in oversea call me. Eventhought we still like the last time we met, not sure what to chat. But, I"m really feel glad that he call. And then is my two koko, wai and my bear bear call me. Another unexpected call is when I thought I want to went to sleep. Someone who say he want to dissapear at my birthday call me. WE are not a very close friend, just met one time be4. But I call feel that he is a very nice person to be and hang out with, but never have chance to do so. And that day de conversation continue for three hour. Is been a long long time I never have such enjoyable conversation, although I feel tired and late for school the next time. But I never regret for chat that long with him. It is a feel good moment, wondering when will be the second time??
The next day, which is my birthday. I late for school, but somehow, got few of my school mate remember my birthday. And I feel happy for the entire day, a bit because of yesterdat supprise and a bit because of people who remember it. And after school, my koko steve come to bring me for celebration(yesterday he say is a luch only). He buy a cake and bring me to kenny roger, and bring along my bear(netrid), this is really a big suprise. A tasty luch, a coclate gift from little bear, and a coclate cake(I like coclate alot). And then my koko fetch m bear and me home.
I continue the day, by drop by at my mom place to have a dinner. Miss her cooking alot, although the dinner a bit messy with my father arriver. I find that I still cannot undersand why they cannot living peacefully. Everytime they get along. The atmosphere will not be harmony. I hate it.
And I also get a esprit shirt from a net friend, which is very nice.
But I have a problem, I seems to cannot remember things, for example. I dun really remember all my friend birthday. And this is a serious problem, I have to collect allt heir birthday date be4 it is too late. So that I can return their wish and make them have the most happy birthday ever. Not promising, but atleast, i can try...
For last,
I have to say that, 24-10-2005 is the mosy happy birthday day in my life........

Make a wish.......

It will going to be my birthday in a few more hour, and this year, for sure, there will be no one to celebrate with me. This is quite a normal thing. Cause every year is like that. Is just when people glow older, people become more "tamak". Start to expect that, there will be someone there, who will thing that day is a very bid day in a year.
Maybe is just I didn't notice, there is alot of friend out there with me. Is just I didn't saw this. Maybe I saw stop being so pessivmistake, and trying to become more optimistic. This may make my life better.
I'm not sure wherthe i can change or not. But, I will try my best.
This is my birthday wish for myself, in the upcoming year.......

nonsen

What I'm sure is, I'm going to take my spm in two week time. What I not sure is, what am i doing?? I mean, for those who will take thier exam in a short time. They will put or their time on study. I didn't said that, I'm not doing the same. Is just, I'm not spending enough time on my study. Before this, I have stuff to do, have tv to wacth. For me is reasonable for me to not study. But lately, I find that, I had a very good skill. I can spend an hour in my room, doing nothing, just lay at the bed. Something like unconciuos. I used to be a person that very scare boring de.
I'm still scare to be alone and boring. But, is just like have something diffrent. I kind of become more "mind lazy". Like my mind is blank while I doing nothing. Or thinking something that even my own donno what am I thinking. This not just happend on study. Happend when I go out also. I kind to have a very hard time to think, why am I going out, and where am I heading to.
People say, you will only get dissapoinde when you expecting something to happend. And people who easy to feel satisfied is the most happy people in the world. I things thats right. When we expecting something, we feel good when it happend, and feel sad when it doesn't happend. If we are nto expecting anything, we will feel suprise when things happend. And we wouldn't fee anything, when the thing did not happend.

Home alone.....

This is the second post i post today, the good news is. My aunt is not around today. She will stay in genting. So, which mean, I;m free today. Thats why I"m here, at the cc, in 12.30 midnight. Is fun to online at this time, because I never have a chance to do this before. Byt, there is something wait for me latter. I have to go home walk 30 minute alone. At this mid night. Sound very scary. I'm not sure I can make it to my home. This is what i have to pay, to have fun.
thats a chinese proverb said, easy first difficult later.
And tomorro i still have exam somemore.
history and physic. And I"m not planing to sleep today. And I insist to go tomorrow.
What am i doing? Am i crazy?
Now wirte blog also blur blur liao.
feel like want to faint..
I promise myslef.. no next time...

Movie VS single..........

There is alot of good movie on show lately, sush as The skeleton key, into the blue, flight plan, sky high and the myth. This is the type of movie I like, and I thought I want to watch all of it. And turn out, the result is. None of it I have a chance to watch. Couldn't get someone to watch with me. This remind me, It was much more easy at the time I'm with someone. Atleast they is always someone they for you, when you need him.(<<Single is both good and bad to me, Like people used to said. You will only know the diffreent when you lose something. The only diffrent to me is that, when you are attach, your time will be more in scedule, which mean you knwo what you should do in certain time. The time is fix, and you know who should you look for when anythng happend. Plus, you have to take care of others feeling. Cannot do anything that will hurt the other.
Is diffrent when we are single, we free to do anything we want. And the time is all for us, sometime, i feel that, i have too much time for my own self. The best thing I can do is, stuck myself into a cyber cafe. With this way, I can spend all the flow over time.......

Love???Pain??

I friend a friend in ipoh, call kent also. Not the very close of friend. But we got sms each other once i a while, to check how are we doing recently. The last time I hear from him is that, he going to get merry with his bf, and migrate to europe. I was happy for them, Because they can make up their mind to do something like this. And yesterday, he call me again, And said that, they have broke up. And he will be the only one nigrate to europe. Isn't this too tragedy? Is hard for us(plu) to get a bf. And after we have one, seems like there is still alot of issue waiting for us.
Just like what i had said before, maybe love is not something meant for plu guy. We can never own it.
For me, donno is because I'm a scorpio or is just what i born in to, never have a hard time no fall in love with someone. Especially when I start get to know the person, plus the person is nice to me. I will start loving or liking him for few days or weeks. Untill I start to forget the feeling. Yhis happend too often. I learn to diffrentcise the is that the people I like got the same feeling with me or not. If the result is no, I will start forgeting about him in sometime. Maybe this is a skill i get becasue of this easy falling in love personality. Wondering i should be proud of it or feel tired bacause of it.... HAHA.

Now and Future??

Exam is coming.. And I really did work hard on the revision now. The only problem is that, in all the time, I do what I need to do, not what I want to do. I been thinking about this a long time ago. When someone who started to ask me, what do I into. What I like to do to spend my free time. I can't really give them a answer. Casue myself not even know what I ebjoy the most. I still can barely remember the year I started to hang out with plu peopel. I was form 2 at that time. And because I'm still new in this having sex and meeting people thing, so.. I sort of doing it over and over again. With whoever are interested to have fun. I thought I like to behave like that. I thought I enjoy that moment. but actually I don't. I feel the can't help emptyness inside my heart after I done(having sex) with someone. It is quite dirty actually. And I been like that to spend my time for almost two year. After that I have quit doing that, I quit is not because I realize that I shouldn't been doing all that nonsen. Is that, I have another busy kind of way to help me spend my time. And I get to know a group of normal friend in my school at that time. And this is very helpfull. Without them to go out or spend time with me, I really donno what kind of monster will I become. And for sure, my secondary school life will have nothing beside sex to be remember. They are now my god sister.
Friend is one of the most important element in our life, and because of my weird and maybe unfriend and quite personaly. Friend is the most difficult person for me to get. And I'm glad I have some now, some sincere one. Is a very good feeling, when they is someone to sms you to tell you that school is having a holiday tomorrow, when thats free time, someone will invite you to go to do things you like, when they is about to exam, someone they to give you tips and notes. I never felt more happy then now in my five year of secondary school life. Although it is short, but it is memorable.
I'm the only child in the house, I never thought i will have brother to care and concern about me, and this year, i have two. One is call zeron, who chat with me all the time, and another is my older koko, steve, who really really concern about me alot.
Future is somethind I could never imagine, everyone around me is busy on apply for scholarship and college. And this had make me panic. I'm not sure what I'm going to with my future. After the SPM examination. there will me nothing else I need to do. And I still haven't figure out what I want.............

Wish???

When I first write the blog, I go on checking the comment. Hoping that someone will drop me a comment about my blog. After a while I find that, there will no comment for me, I stop checking on it. And today, I suddently go to check the blog and the comment again, And very supprise I find that there is quite lot of comment. And one of it under the birthday part of blog, there is a comment ask me to make my wish, and it might be come true. So I think, why don't I give it a try??
I think what I want this year is a lot of friend, a good good BF, people who will celebrate with me, and the meterial part ah.. Accesory, cloth and other gift is good enough for me. I'm already very happy to find that there is people out there who is care about my birthday...

SPM Countdown....

I still have 32 day before my SPM examination. which is quite near. Which also mean I have no time to waste anymore. And It is funny, because some of my friend ask me not to press to much to myself. So that i will not feel stressfull. But actually, When the time get nearer to the exam, I feel more releast then ever. Cause I will finaly put some afford on my study. And I didn't expect much for the result. Since I'm a really lazy person, who never really touch the book( Text book) For two, I Didn't really dream to get a A's result. AS long as all the credit in all the subject will be good enough for me. Because thats all I need for my further college study. And by today, I have really make up my decision not to go to form 6. One of the reason is because most of the people say it is a waste of time. And I have no interest to get a seat in the local u which is very difficult thing for chinese student.
Now I have two or three option. First is to dream that I will be chosse into the matrisculation. By this way, I will consider to go for local u. Beside this, I will start working right after my exam. To save some money for my future study. I been thinking to Stop my studying for one or two year. I will continue my tertiary study when I save enough money to pay for good college and a good business course I want.
The only problem I'm having now is that how and where should I look for to get a weel paid job. I'm wondering, Is that too much to hope that I will earn about 3000 something a week. By this amount of money, I can reduce the time I should go for working. But most of my friend tell me that this is not possible to get a job that high paid. And I think I'm going to porve them they are wrong. Going for a ful time job and one part time job might help me achieve the target. I just hope that I will enlarge the group friend I knew. So that it will be more convenien for me to get a good job.
And it is funny, When I'm online in the morning. One of myfriend ask me to updated my blog faster. I thought most of the people know that I don't have pc in my house. And I can only post a new blog when I have a chance to go to cc for plenty of hour. So People who are desprately waiting to read my blog, plz forgive me.........

17 is coming...

I never thought this will come to me so fast. This month already october. Onlt have few more week lelf before my birthday at 24. And after that day, I have to tell people that I'm 17 years old but not the 16 years old i uesd to tell people. I can still remember that I start dating my first bf at form 2. And now is already form 5, I still didn't have a single chance to celebrate valentine day or my birthday with anyone. And i know for sure that, this year will still on my own, The same I get for last year and the last last year. The people who with me that day mostly still will be my parent. And I shall feel greatfull enough if there is anyone who actually remember my birthday and great me for that. A presant is to much for an little expetation. Eventhought I really hope someone4 will take that day as a very serious day and be there for me. And i know it will be another hope that will fall me, I guess i just have to work harder next year, to now be alone in my birthday.........

What people say about this.......

Is very happy to find that, there is actually some people out there who are really going through all the thing i have wrote. When I know about this, is is really touch. But A lot of people who have read my blog, there will show concern and tell me that my blog is very sad. I wonder why will my blog let them feel that way?
People who know me really much will actually know that I'm not that kind of chillfull person, which mean I like to keep thing to myself and thing about a lot of nonsen to make myself feel sad. My friend say this is too emotional. To make myslef a better and sunny person. I trying to hide this dark side of myself and express it to my this little blog. So that I will look more sunny, chillfull and welcome by most people. In this case, I starting to wondeer, How am I suppose to express my feeling without this blog?
Before I get my Ideal Boy friend....