Work again....

Start working again. Rest only two day after the shoe promoter job. This time I went to KLCC. I thought I have promise myself not to go into that brand anymore in my life. It give me so littel pay when I was a part-timer last year. Even thought I was very hard working, my pay didn't get raise as I thought it will. Start working at a unknown places is quite scary, everything I have to deal with it alone. Even when I'm in trouble, they will be no one be on myside. Eventhough I scare and unlike this kind of situation, working is still work. Unlike my other friend, they all work around sg wang, so every body is they. Wondering why am I so brave, dare to go to places which is so far and very inconvenien to start a new job. Working is not bad, didn't actually get bully by anyone. The only problem is stressing only, Wai Mun have advise me not to work there, but I insist to challenge my ability. I should have listen to her. The most difficult assinment I have is check stock and complite the report. Afterall, stress is stressing, job is job, thats always a task I need to complite.
That day, Nick ask me something that make me thing alot, he said, I don't think like people in my age. As he said he thought I wish to be like this, thinking is a torturing activity. People will ask like this for sure don't know me very well. People who really know me will know that I'm quite a no brain person, not like I don't have one. Is just I seldome use it, when I infront with the people who are really close with me. I will act as what I really am. My friend have said once that I agree the most, she said, all of us is force to put on a mask to avoid exposing ourself too much. It might get hurt in the reallity if you let the people know the true you. I been thinking alot since she tell me this, And the result is I agree with that. Without a knowlege, people now have lot of faces, diffrent faces when you be with diffrent people. Sometime myself cannot really identifie which one is the true me. But atleast, I didn't lie. I just hide certain feeling when I'm facing with certain people.
People usually like sunny people, Found out abot this when I'm first get into secondary school. Been trying my best to hide the unhappy feeling from friend, atleast from not so close friend. For them, this kind of feeling is annoying and troublesome. This fact is being prove when I be with kent, I'm not the kind of people will not do alot of thinking or like to be positive thinking. safety and confident is what I need the most, when I lack of it, I will start thinking a lot of nonsen. Been trying very hard to change this kind of bad attitude. Get scold by many people, but, me is still me. Like what I used to say, something is never change no matter what happend.
confusing and tiring. Wondering what will I do next..

Working...

Working is quite tired, and lot of things happend during I'm work. Got something new, sad or happy thing happend. Everything is diffrent when I am a secondary student. Now I have more thing to plan and more thing to decide. Future is now on my hand.
First of all, I will like to appologise to those people who have ask me where I work, I'm not telling you guys is because that is only a temporary job and I may not have time to chat with you when you are here, So the best thing I can do is kept it as a secret lo. Anyway I feel happy that people did come here to see me my steve koko and that guy. Things around me have change, but not me. Everything seems like still the same on me, I'm still that very emotional person, one minute very happy and the second minute can get very down and sad.
This work is tiring, but sometime is quite happy too. Working with other 7-8 people, I have make a lot of new friend. I doubt about my decision to work by myself on the first day I work, but actually it is not that difficult. Eventhought I'm still is the person who are not-many-people wnat to chat with de. Not sure whats worng with me, maybe I'm a damn too boring person, K thought like that when I'm free.
During the work have some funny and sad moment, I thing I will post that at the next post. This job will end at sunday, then I may go to other place to work as a full time promoter. It is a really difficult decision to make. Plus, I have to think about my education too. I wonder did I make a right decision when I decided to work for one year before I continue my study.
I want to move out. Since I'm a kid I cannot stand people fighting or quarel. Lately they both fight alot, even it is not all because of me, But I guess I have some responsible on this, Suddently jump into thier life.
Love is difficult, I saw people around me I know it. I have swear to myself once, I'm not going to fall in love again, But I can't kept it. Seeing my self growing in times, from a kid that like playing like random sex to more mature teenager. Now I think back, I feel quite sorry for my 1 and 2 ex, that was the young time when I can have a relationship with someone and have sex with other. I start getting bored of it when I grow older, one of the reason I because I'm no longer curious, second is very discusting to have sex with someone you dun like.
I used to worry how long will my relationship last, and belive on what forever love. The reality change me, even I can't help my self to think on the bad things and so on, I can make myself to enjoy every moment as it is the last second you will still together. By this way people will take it more serious, time is not a factor. Even I don't like that...
P/S: sorry for this a bit messy blog, to much to come out and donno wha to start first...

Is over...

Finaly, the exam is over. I don't have to go to school any more. Feel a bit sad yesterday, eventhought i'm not very close with me class mate, but after being study together for 2 whole year, have get used with it already. suddently everyone have to say good bye withot knowing when will we see each other again. Is not a good feeling.
Secondary life is officialy ed already, there is no more road are ready set for me, I have to find my own way in the future, I have to decide where I'm study and what do I study, life will not be that easy anymore.
Today blog might be a bit complex and lot of thing mix up together.
I have open another blogspot, is use to pulish in chinese de. I will not open the address for all, whoever want to view can ask me, but give or not give is no promise.
Seaching for job is tiring, I try to get one before exam is over, But then I walk untill night also didn't get one. But fortunetly I have get a job now, as a shoe promoter. for now it is stilla short term work, if I'm lucky it can turn to long term work.
When I was kid I don't know what is sense of safety that women ad movie keep talking about, maybe that time i haven't in love, so I don't know. It might be something you only learn when you reach certain level on life. Afterall, we knew that something is can never be thought by other people de. Just like love, I thought I really know what is love all about but actually I only really understand it lately. Someone I thought me with a painfull prize. now that i realize how can I leave my 1st and 2nd ex s easy, without a notice a droping a tears. Because that time I'm still don't understand what is love. Even they have try hard to teach me or letting me know, I still didn't get it at that time.
I been through this before, and I know it. There is few people are in your destiny, to teach you a lesson or about love. It is sad when we are not the person who able to let the people we love the meaning of love. And I always know that they are few type of erson we cannt touch or else we will get hurt, not by them, is by our ownself instead.
One is virgin, it is not because I don't like a virgin lover. It is beacause I know that men is a
sex-first animal. Virgin cannot possibility to stick with you forever, no matter how hard you try. Because there is a life out there he have never really have fun and playing around before. Men need to be really tired of playing before they can really calm down and start thinking about love and looking for a lover to be stick together forever.
Second is people who like to be free, don't like to be tie up. This is a danger type of person, try not ever to fall in love withthem unless you thrust yourself can change them, if not, you will only get hurt. This kind of person don't like commitment, and responsible. For them, sex is play and fun only, they will change in one day, see who is lucky enough to be there when he do change.
Freedom is depents on the your lover when you are in a relationship, if you are a good lover. You have to care about the feeling of the lover sometime when you get too free, you might hurt someone else. I don't think and don't have faith that I can change someone, I don't think I will going to try it, but this thing is always depends on feeling.
Third, people who donno love. I used to be one, and hust some people because of this. so now I will not going to try this on myself. Love is something cannot be though, it is no sad if you in love with someone that don't really understand what is love. you cannot blame him for that, what you can do is blaming yourself. For cannot let him understand this and loving him.
Love is a complicated knowlegd and game, someone good and lucky at it, someone just always bad luck. No matter what people all keep trying without thinking of quit. Or they can't.
Just like me, after the kent incident, i have promise myself not to really get in love with someone, atleast not that deep. But, I cannot kept this promise beacause I fail on control my own feeling.
Not romantic people is also a danger people, you will get bore untill die if you attach with them. Everything is too ordinary. I sure will not date this kind of person, cause I like suprise and change. I'm a too ordinary person, never dare to try new thing, change is something only my love one can bring to me. If he manage to.
Not sensible people are the worst person to date with, they wouldn't even notice what have they did to make people angry, some how, I have date one before. My mistake that time. Take care of the love one is the lover respondsible, you have to really show your concern to make people feel the joy of being care. Not saying and doing it beacause you have to, it mean you didn't actually love the person that much.
In plu, people will mostly automaticly turn into 2 group, one is more being take care of and another is more taking care of people. I always want to be in the first one, but somehow fizikal status wouldn't allow me. people in first group usually are skinny, white, sick all the time ad cute.
I fit none of this requirement.
Is it because I realize about this or what, I all along will eat only bread or fast food when i have to it alone, but after the big incident, I have get used with the not eating feeling. Even hungry wouldn't make myself going to eat, no matter how hungry it is. eating have become a activity I will do when they are people who want to eat around me. I have to change this bad habit, remembering I have start this habit when there is no people who get angry or scold me when i'm skip my meal. I miss that time and feeling even I quite don't like the person who gave me this habit. Is hard to say when will I find a person who will naturaly do this again, before that, I guess I have to get rid of that feeling. If not bad gastric wouldn't be far from me.
ThAts all i guess, I have been writing too much, time to write some in chinese..

Shamefull.....

I thought this kind of thing will never never happend again. But, it just happend. Without my control. Today after the second paper, I went to walk around my school area. And can you guy guess who did I saw? Kent. And will you belive what I had did? I walk away so that he wouldn't notice I'm there. I'm not sure why am I doing this, I just know I can't help the feeling to confront with him. Even I have put him away from my mind, the fear is always there. Hate to refresh my memory about all the once had happy moment.
today is not a lucky day, first i had saw him, and can you guess what i did during the exam? I mistakely bring my hp go in, plus, the hp is not in silent mood. I must be crazy, i kept worry what will happend to me if the hp ring. At last I decide to tell the examinerthe true, and he ask me to switch off the hp and put it on the desk. I was damn lucky because didn't get kick out of the exam hall...
Shamefull day..

Blue.....

Is been a long time I didn't having this kind of feeling already. And I thought I have forgoten this feeling for good. I felt this yesterday, right after my uncle have scolded me. His scold is not the causes that make me feel sad, his scold is actually quite pointless. The one who make me feel like this is myself. Is been a long long time I didn't take time to think about myself already. When I did so, I find that mylife is quite pointless.
To take sometime on this thinking, I turn out the light in my room, lock myself inside the room and ignore the phone that my aunt caal to ask me take care of my own dinner. It was 8.30, and i stay awake in the darkness untill 11 something. I been thinking alot in that perioud.
Before this year, I used to thought myself as a very usefull and very responsible person, thats always something have to done by me, thats always someone who ask a favor from me, and that is always a task that can only accoplish by me. It was the time I feel usefull with myself, life is meaningfull that time. Even I felt boring because I had left no time for my own. I remember this useless me start at this year, when I get sick of hard working all the time, sick with boring at all the time and maybe when I start playing the run away from house game or when I actually move out from my mom house. Since then, my time is all about playing, sms-ing, watching tv and all the thing that is not produtive to the country nor the family. I didn't realize about this till yesterday.
I'm trying to review what happend in this few month, life is actually about playing dota, sing K, online chatting, sms-ing, missing people, dating maybe? , watching tv and all about fun. What shall I say? I guess a rubish or junk can make themself more usefull then I do. I didn't really work hard enoughy on my revision for this so big exam. I shall actually feel shame about myself.
When people ask about my result on the trial during my job searching journey, I am actually feel shame of myself with that kind of result. And I should have a better result if I work on it.
Since I was a kid, life is full of ambition, I know that I have to succesfull when I had grown up, to grand a better life style. Now, I don't think I have one, day is too easy for me. Everyday I wake up, that is nothing I have to work on, I can't even find anything is more contribute to work on.
I don't like this. I hate who I am now. Yesterday is the first time I crying because of my own, not because of other guy, not because of the fighting of the family, is about me. A me that might be no future. Or a future is not in my dream. A me that I really hate it, for the first time, because of what I did and how i been in this year......
I wish I will like myself again, in next year. By then "he" will become a more usefull person, even "his" life is full of joy..

Distance........

Even when time change, distance have been shorten by mankind with all the tecnology and transportation they have invented. Distance is still a biggest factor in love. This is true and have been proven by alot of people, one of it is my friend daniel. I was happy for him when he say that he is now attach liao, with a 13 boy from hong kong. I thought they can prove that this fact is wrong, distance is never a problem. And now they have broke up, not sure what is the real reason, but i'm sure distance is always one of the reson they having.
When we have a lover, we will wish to see him everyday, maybe hug, kiss, watching tv, movie or go shopping. We enjoy the feel to be with him, But when it come to long distance relationship. We may not have that much or no chance to see or love one. No matter how we feel and how are we. They are always to one they to be with you when you need a person to be at your side. Maybe this is the main reason for distance to be the biggest problem on relationship. Some how i still hoping that one day someone will prove to me that I am wrong about this fact. Disstance is never a matter....

The lost world....

Lost... I'm sure almost everyone of us have this experience. Especially when we are a kid, it is not supprise that we will get lost in the bi9g big shopping complex. And this will slighly decrease the amount as we grow older. But, is that mean we never lost ourself anymore? No, we will still get lost, the diffrent is, this time you may never know that you are lost. I'm sure The lost world is quite a famous park among PLU, especially for those who live in k.l. It is a place where a lot of guy went and hang out at night, some even hunt for sex. I heard about this place when I start accepting myself as a PLU, alomst three years ago, but I just went there recently, and find out that it is acyually very cloudy there. I'm just wonder, are there really know what they want when there are there? Or they just curious about how is it to be aas PLU or have sex with guy? Who knows what there really up to? But I have spend a long time to accept myself on this matter. Since the first gay men I met, I have dissapear for quite a few time. Because I will wake up in one day and tell myself that, this is not my destiny. I do this when I have my first and second bf, and I broke up with them without a reasonable reason whenever I feel like I want to escape from the PLU circle.
I finnally get used with it and accepting the fact that this is what I am, and that is the time I finaly find my destination. My life bigger lost is end at that time, but this doesn't mean that I didn't lost myself after that. I nfind that whenever I fall in love with someone I will lost myself, sometime is spending to much time thinking off what he is doing and wondering shall I send him a message or give him a call, in the same time I have to worry if he think that I am annoying or disturbing him. So, love is really troublesome and complicated, just donno why I already know this fact still like to fall in love with people....
Sometiem we are lost when we get hurt, my biggest got sister. Getting hurt by a stupid guy 2 years ago. From that time onward, she come get herself to be serious in a relationship, worry that if she love too deep, she will once again expericen the pain she have tried to escape for a long long time. This is her excuse for herself to have relationship with so many people in one time. I wondering is this true that we have the right to hurt others after we have get hurt. Even we are lost, we shouldn't do anything that will hurt the thirt parties. Especially in love.
Untill now, my philosophy is still befaithfull and sincere in any relation we have to get in without a condition. Having a bf and having sex with other outside is what people do and is something I never agree with. Atleast not now....

Lost.. Bad luck..

I can't believe I have to continue my life without a hp. Its just like brought my out from the hell and through me inside once again. Without a hp, thats alot of thing I cannot do. I cannot send message to interupt people, cannot sms with people when I am boring, cannot recive some funny warming and lovely message from friend. But also got something good de, my parent can never find me through phone when I go out liao. Even don't have hp will make me very unconvenien, but I"m sure is the same desprate for me and my parent to let ma have a phone. So I believe that my father will get one for me soon.. HAHA
I hope that I will have a phone fast and soon. Today is not the right mood to talk about this le..
See ya..

ESCAPE FROM HELL..

I miss the internet so much. After three day didn't get any contact with you, internet. I like living in hell. Especially after the so much torture I have get from the stupid person who inveented exam, and the stupid goverment who make all the form 5 student to seat for SPM, and the stupid school who sign me on so many subject. I'm glad that I have 5 remaining day in hell.
I thought the paper will be very very very difficult, but it seems like nothing close with difficult. Because the paper I take in last few day is still consider very easy to me, except the idiot fizik I seat today. So I am quite confident I will get alot of credit in the result.
I have alot of thing to say, I'm not sure where to start, I guess I will start it from the last sunday. While I was surfing internet, I go to seach on the blog also, and I have found alot of cool blog that I have now link it with my blog. Reading blog is really a joy, diffrent people have diffrent story in their life. some of it is some happy memory and some of it is some painfull experience, and the most important is, they are not movie or story, they are all real. Things are really happend in thier life.
I been thinking about the four month good dream turn nightmare lately, is not like I still haven't recover and forget that nightmare. Is just lately I have face something similar with it, I met someone. And he actually say and promise something that kent use to say. The last person who say it never grand his promise, and this one who repeat it exacty the same, shall I belive it?
Feeling is weird, we own the feeling but we can never control it, is just like the feeling is control by others people. and not belong to us. Or shall i say, our feeling betray us after we have feeling with others.
Remember the kent in ipoh I been saying last time? His getting together with his bf again. And they living together. How sweat it is, I wish that some day I will have chance to live together with the love one, it must me very romantic. Romantic things happend in life is sweat and will stick in your memory. Seeing the friend around me, my god sister, use their every minute to speak, sms get contact with their love one. To releast some of the suffer of missing. Once upon the time, I have this experince also, busy sms with the love one, and repoting where are you and what are you doing now. Never thought it will be so good to report to someone everytime every minute, feel like you are own by someone else, and that someone else are trying thier best to keep them by thier side. Just like they are afraid someone will took away the happiness or the tresure there have one day in the future. Maybe thats what make lover special then the other relation. And I wish I wqill get one real one soon, Cause I miss the feeling to be in love and the happiness of getting suprise.
While I have the english paper, I notice that my english have beed improved. This maybe because of the blog I have write for so long time. It help to pratice my english.
I'm not sure how am I look like, But, there is sometime I like to look at the mirror and admire myself in it. Thats the time I think myself look good and cute. There also sometime I'm not enjoy to look at myself, that was the time I feel I look stupid. However, friends around me never think that way, especially my felow god sister. They always critic how awfull I look, and when I trying to get some advise from them about my hair. They will say, the ugly is in me, not because the hair. How hurt......
Spm will be over soon, and so is my journey as a secondary school student. I have to start seaching for job. Some of my friend did offer an job opputurnities to me, but I'm not sure they are joking or really serious about it. I want to go to play before I really start working, but no money no play. I guess I have to accept the fate to be hard working.
Moving out is still only an idea.
I guess that enough for today, I'm already donno what to write liao..
Hehe...

Incomplete..

No one in the world in born in complete set. Thats why we need the other part to complete us. By this way, you will never feel empty or lonely inside yourself. Thought about this when my friend said he feel lonely and despate to hug and kiss by someone. Someone he love..

Waiting....

Sometime waiting is the best thing to do. You don't know what happend next, and you also don't know what you can do. The only way to make things right is waiting. There no other way, you cannot rush or impatien on this matter.
Life is a journey that full of waiting, when we are baby, we wait to be feed or to be hug, and when we grow up a bit, we wait to get what we want. We wait for six year to come out from primary school, when we are in 20's, we wiat to met the right person to get marry or get stuck with. When we work, we wait for our paycheque.
And I'm not sure I waiting here, I cannot remember since when. I started to check on my phone every second. Wondering why it doesn't rang, and why I didn't get a sms and so on. I keep doing this day after day, without a motif. Sometime I will be happy when the phone really get some message and call, sometime I don't. Because the call and the message didn't actually come from the one I'm waiting for.
Soemtime I forgot why I wait, or who I wait. But, I will still waiting. Even I don't know is it worth to wait for him or he reason to do so. But I will still waiting.....

Spm begin....

I have my first paper yesterday. And I am greatfull that so many people remember my exam and send me their wish. I have BC yesterday. It is really easy. And I"m quite confident I will have a credit on it, maybe get an A too. Maybe because of this, so we just kind of getting crazy or lost our mind. We go to sing K after the exam end at 12.45. I"m not the one raise the idea to go there. But is my fault to join them in this crazyness. Because we have miss the luch hour, so we decide to take the happy hour. Which is end at 6 o'clock. I never sing for this long of time before. It is really tiring. And the weird thing is, we wait untill 6.30, there is no one here to pick up the bill. So, as a very nature action, we just kept on singing. Untill 7, that is it I start to scare might get kill by my aunt for being so late. So I call to the counter and ask when is it our perioud will end, and the suprise is. They ask us to keep it on, they will come in to interupt us if they need that room for other people. Is a good news if this happend on the other day, but it will never a good news if that day I have an exam, and it is a schooling day. So we just ask them to come and pick up the bill to end this insane business.
theres raining out side, and the end is we have to make oursle foget wet and go on the bus. And be home at 8.30 with outself wet and hungry plus tired.
I probaly wouldn't go to red box after exam after this inccident. But, I cannot promise anything.
Since this is my hobby.. haha

Graduation day....

Time is passing fast. Without notice, is already november now. And it is time for the graduation day. The memory of my first day in this school is still fresh in my mind. Although it is not a beutifull or and big school, even smaller then my primary school. But I have lots of memory in this school. I thought I will be crying on the event. But the fact is, I didn't. How supprise it is.
The day before the graduation day, I can felt the nervous and the sad feeling inside me. Because of it, I didn't sleep well at that night. And I woke up very early in the other morning. To make sure everything is in order. Because it is the last day I as the student of the school confucian.
Just like the other ordinary event, it start with alot of boring speech. I( have to say that, this might be the most horrible graduation day I have ever attend. Maybe because of this, none of us is droping a tears. Is just like we are greatfull for leaving the school, like we are torturing ourself for being together. Is funny, but is a presure. That is the last second for all of us hanging together with a purpose. And I think that, the most presure thing I have earn in this school is that the few god sister I have.
After the graduation day, we go to red box in low yat to celebrate by ourself. Sing karaoke is like a ordinary event for us, although I have to admid that, my voice is torturing peopel who are listen. But we still have a great time in it, and we really enjoy it.
People will change after graduate from school, I know it. Even we ask each other to keep in touch. There will be something diffrent inside and around us. I can just hope that my friendship with my few god sister will never end after we come out from the secondary school..
Hoping is all I can do...

Yan zi.......

I have to say, she is a cute lady with a very nice voice, I can still remember when the time she came out, With the first album. Now she already a famoust star. Althought I quite like her song. But I never thought that I will go to see her face by face.
Recent wednesday, the little bear have four ticket to go to see that stephanie at low yat. And ask me to go along. I go along because I like the atmosphere of many people and clowd. But that day is really more than clowd, everyone is pushing around. Anyway, have to say that, It is really a very fun experience, and I'm glad that I go. At the first of the event, I saw someone I didn't thought that I will see him there(kent), get freak out when I saw him beside. And I don't even say hi to him, this might be a bit rude. But I really donno what can I do or what to say when I saw him. So I just pretend I really din saw him, and I trying to hide inside. Some how, soemone saw my action, and notice my change when I saw him. Which is very touching.
nothing to talk about yan zi le..
I guess thats al..
haha

Family??

Almost all of us learn this word when we are very young, maybe in kindergarden. And I thought I know the meaning of it, and I always thought that I have one, eventhough it is not as good as complete like the others have. Now, I started to think, I might be wrong. I really cannot understand why my mother and father get together. Since I was a kid, whatever thier do trying to remind me that, they are not suit for each oher. And tthey maybe not suppose to being together. But some how, for some I-donno-why reason, they have stick together for all this age. Although I have to admit that thei marriage is never good or happy.
Last monday, it happend again, they have a very stupid fight, and the result is, my father slap my mother and kick her out of my father house. From his story, his being so because my mother are acting rediculus by no let my father going out to work. And the stupid thing my father did is, slap my mother and take away her hand phone. I had beed told about this incident few hour later by my cousin, with a not so friendly tougue. Because she cannot find my mother anyway. Even in the house or seaching along the road. Until now, my mother still missing.
Few day later........
Concern is there, but nothing can do about it. Or shall I say, I have get used with this family, things like this is not suprising.
Just went to my mother house, no one in the house. Because I kept the key when I move out, So I can get in very easy. There is no one inside. As far as I see, look like there have been no people inside for a day or 2. I left the house after I have look around the house. And when I come out from it, I ask the neighbour whether they have seen my mother lately. I have been told that, they saw my mom coming out from the house yesterday. so, I guess, I wouldn't have to worry about her. Nothing happend to my mom. Is just she trying to hiding herslef from us only......
Haiz....

Moving out???

I been thinking to moving out from my house since I was very young. At that time, I was living with my mom. I thought moving out mean that everything will becoming better, I will grant my total freedom. No one will ever set me a curfew to going home. I can go out as early as I want to, and I can even don't coming back to my home if I not feeling I like to. Thats what I dream for since I was very young, And I'm sure that most of us have dream like this when we was a kid. When we still young.
As we grow older, we start to realize how crue life is it. Moving out from our house is not that easy like what we have imagine in our childhood. We have to take care of the cleanliness of the house, reantal fees, electrical bill, some snek.. there is alot of cost of living that we have to pay. That we may not afford. Even if we affod to do so, it wouldn't be easy.
Maybe is beacause of this dream that I have since I was really young that lead to my run away from my mom house at may. Honestly, since the day I run off, moving to live with my auntie untill now. I never really feel regret for my action. Maybe I'm too desprate for freedom, but I do worry I will regret for my action in the future, after I have watch the movie Lead by andy lau, about a kid who want to grow faster. But nothing I can do for myself to prevent this day to come, I just can hope and wish that, this day will never come. And I will try to spend more time with my mom, eventhought spend time with her is not present, but I will try my best to do so.
Back to the moving out issue, I start to stop thinking so much about moving out after I have live with my aunt. But my steve koko got ask me to move out to live with him after I gradutate, not sure he is kidding or not. The plan did not work anymore, cause he is going to work at us or uk in december. Only will come back after a year. And once in a while, I have a dream to live wih my bf. But since now, I don't even have one. So, this plan didn't work out also. And the latest is, my few god sister thinking to moving out after we gradtuate, and asking me whether I want to join them or not. About this, I'm still thinking....

Fever liao.......

I hate fever. Never hate fever as much as i hate it now. Actually I like fever when I was young, cause I have an excuse not to go to school. But, since now is already holiday, There is no reason for me to get a fever. Perhaps I have no body to blame. Baceause lately, I seldome drink water. This maybe the cause of this fever I'm having now. And I guess, What I"m eating this 2 day, will not going to help me cure this desease. I have cake and dumpling for food yesterday and today, some how, I can feel that, I almost lose my why voice. Getting better at yesterday night liao de. But this morning get worse again. Maybe is because I din sleep enough yesterday.
I really hate fever. I shall start remind myself to drink more water. Maybe this is because, once upon a time, I have people to remind me to drink more water.
Since there will be no one like that liao, I shall remind myself...
IS time to drink some water......

Tea,True love and sex...........

I hear this line in a TV series lately, " you are not my cup of tea". This have inspire me alot, We keep saying that we are looking for the right person. And the right person is, who we think is nice and love. But, do the person we think is right feel the same way like we do? Most of the time is not, thats why the journey for seaching a good lover is difficult. We are not just looking for a right person. The right person also have to see us as his right person. Love is complex and complicated, Somepeople take it as a game. It can be a game also, But I"m not sure they will be any winner for this game. We are all loser in front of love. Some people will fear to get hurt. But this will only make them hurt more. People who scare to get hurt will never put all their heart in love. They will hold some of it inside. Becaus eof this, they can never really enjoy the happiness of love, like I say, everyone will sure get hurt, is just depents is deep or not. The people who scare to get hurt will hurt more because they didn't have the happiness memory to heal themself when they hurt...
People got keep on reading my blog will know this. I'm easy to have feeling with people. Almost every nice friend of mine I have feeling with them be4. Is just, I'm not their cup of tea. So, I never really tell them and face the feeling. The feeling will gone sooner or later. Thats why I face this situation very often. Plu is diffrent with normal one, even you are not people cup of tea, you might have a chance to have sex with the people you like. Even they donno about your feeling. This might be good or sad. Having sex with someone you like is cool and good, But you can only have sex with him, Thats the sad part. And you can never show that you have feeling with them after you have sex with them, If you know that you are not their cup of tea. You might lose the only chance to be with them. Even it is not love.
Thats why, I seldome have sex randomly with the one I have feeling. I have to have de idea that, I will never own him, If I decide to have sex with him. Cause, the best form of relationship is still, love first sex later......
This is a nature prinsip, hardly have people to break this rules.........

Most happy birthday ever.......

I say as I really feel like that. I din expect anything for this birthday. But turn out, the result is, this had become the most happy birthday ever in my life. Trust me, I'm not lying. This birthday is really full of joy and suprise. The birthday start getting fun when my 3rd ex call to wish me happy birthday at 9 something, and then continue when the 4rd ex call me to wish me at 11. And now is the supprise, someone call me. Someone I dun even expect him to remember my birthday, someone who is in oversea call me. Eventhought we still like the last time we met, not sure what to chat. But, I"m really feel glad that he call. And then is my two koko, wai and my bear bear call me. Another unexpected call is when I thought I want to went to sleep. Someone who say he want to dissapear at my birthday call me. WE are not a very close friend, just met one time be4. But I call feel that he is a very nice person to be and hang out with, but never have chance to do so. And that day de conversation continue for three hour. Is been a long long time I never have such enjoyable conversation, although I feel tired and late for school the next time. But I never regret for chat that long with him. It is a feel good moment, wondering when will be the second time??
The next day, which is my birthday. I late for school, but somehow, got few of my school mate remember my birthday. And I feel happy for the entire day, a bit because of yesterdat supprise and a bit because of people who remember it. And after school, my koko steve come to bring me for celebration(yesterday he say is a luch only). He buy a cake and bring me to kenny roger, and bring along my bear(netrid), this is really a big suprise. A tasty luch, a coclate gift from little bear, and a coclate cake(I like coclate alot). And then my koko fetch m bear and me home.
I continue the day, by drop by at my mom place to have a dinner. Miss her cooking alot, although the dinner a bit messy with my father arriver. I find that I still cannot undersand why they cannot living peacefully. Everytime they get along. The atmosphere will not be harmony. I hate it.
And I also get a esprit shirt from a net friend, which is very nice.
But I have a problem, I seems to cannot remember things, for example. I dun really remember all my friend birthday. And this is a serious problem, I have to collect allt heir birthday date be4 it is too late. So that I can return their wish and make them have the most happy birthday ever. Not promising, but atleast, i can try...
For last,
I have to say that, 24-10-2005 is the mosy happy birthday day in my life........

Make a wish.......

It will going to be my birthday in a few more hour, and this year, for sure, there will be no one to celebrate with me. This is quite a normal thing. Cause every year is like that. Is just when people glow older, people become more "tamak". Start to expect that, there will be someone there, who will thing that day is a very bid day in a year.
Maybe is just I didn't notice, there is alot of friend out there with me. Is just I didn't saw this. Maybe I saw stop being so pessivmistake, and trying to become more optimistic. This may make my life better.
I'm not sure wherthe i can change or not. But, I will try my best.
This is my birthday wish for myself, in the upcoming year.......

nonsen

What I'm sure is, I'm going to take my spm in two week time. What I not sure is, what am i doing?? I mean, for those who will take thier exam in a short time. They will put or their time on study. I didn't said that, I'm not doing the same. Is just, I'm not spending enough time on my study. Before this, I have stuff to do, have tv to wacth. For me is reasonable for me to not study. But lately, I find that, I had a very good skill. I can spend an hour in my room, doing nothing, just lay at the bed. Something like unconciuos. I used to be a person that very scare boring de.
I'm still scare to be alone and boring. But, is just like have something diffrent. I kind of become more "mind lazy". Like my mind is blank while I doing nothing. Or thinking something that even my own donno what am I thinking. This not just happend on study. Happend when I go out also. I kind to have a very hard time to think, why am I going out, and where am I heading to.
People say, you will only get dissapoinde when you expecting something to happend. And people who easy to feel satisfied is the most happy people in the world. I things thats right. When we expecting something, we feel good when it happend, and feel sad when it doesn't happend. If we are nto expecting anything, we will feel suprise when things happend. And we wouldn't fee anything, when the thing did not happend.

Home alone.....

This is the second post i post today, the good news is. My aunt is not around today. She will stay in genting. So, which mean, I;m free today. Thats why I"m here, at the cc, in 12.30 midnight. Is fun to online at this time, because I never have a chance to do this before. Byt, there is something wait for me latter. I have to go home walk 30 minute alone. At this mid night. Sound very scary. I'm not sure I can make it to my home. This is what i have to pay, to have fun.
thats a chinese proverb said, easy first difficult later.
And tomorro i still have exam somemore.
history and physic. And I"m not planing to sleep today. And I insist to go tomorrow.
What am i doing? Am i crazy?
Now wirte blog also blur blur liao.
feel like want to faint..
I promise myslef.. no next time...

Movie VS single..........

There is alot of good movie on show lately, sush as The skeleton key, into the blue, flight plan, sky high and the myth. This is the type of movie I like, and I thought I want to watch all of it. And turn out, the result is. None of it I have a chance to watch. Couldn't get someone to watch with me. This remind me, It was much more easy at the time I'm with someone. Atleast they is always someone they for you, when you need him.(<<Single is both good and bad to me, Like people used to said. You will only know the diffreent when you lose something. The only diffrent to me is that, when you are attach, your time will be more in scedule, which mean you knwo what you should do in certain time. The time is fix, and you know who should you look for when anythng happend. Plus, you have to take care of others feeling. Cannot do anything that will hurt the other.
Is diffrent when we are single, we free to do anything we want. And the time is all for us, sometime, i feel that, i have too much time for my own self. The best thing I can do is, stuck myself into a cyber cafe. With this way, I can spend all the flow over time.......

Love???Pain??

I friend a friend in ipoh, call kent also. Not the very close of friend. But we got sms each other once i a while, to check how are we doing recently. The last time I hear from him is that, he going to get merry with his bf, and migrate to europe. I was happy for them, Because they can make up their mind to do something like this. And yesterday, he call me again, And said that, they have broke up. And he will be the only one nigrate to europe. Isn't this too tragedy? Is hard for us(plu) to get a bf. And after we have one, seems like there is still alot of issue waiting for us.
Just like what i had said before, maybe love is not something meant for plu guy. We can never own it.
For me, donno is because I'm a scorpio or is just what i born in to, never have a hard time no fall in love with someone. Especially when I start get to know the person, plus the person is nice to me. I will start loving or liking him for few days or weeks. Untill I start to forget the feeling. Yhis happend too often. I learn to diffrentcise the is that the people I like got the same feeling with me or not. If the result is no, I will start forgeting about him in sometime. Maybe this is a skill i get becasue of this easy falling in love personality. Wondering i should be proud of it or feel tired bacause of it.... HAHA.

Now and Future??

Exam is coming.. And I really did work hard on the revision now. The only problem is that, in all the time, I do what I need to do, not what I want to do. I been thinking about this a long time ago. When someone who started to ask me, what do I into. What I like to do to spend my free time. I can't really give them a answer. Casue myself not even know what I ebjoy the most. I still can barely remember the year I started to hang out with plu peopel. I was form 2 at that time. And because I'm still new in this having sex and meeting people thing, so.. I sort of doing it over and over again. With whoever are interested to have fun. I thought I like to behave like that. I thought I enjoy that moment. but actually I don't. I feel the can't help emptyness inside my heart after I done(having sex) with someone. It is quite dirty actually. And I been like that to spend my time for almost two year. After that I have quit doing that, I quit is not because I realize that I shouldn't been doing all that nonsen. Is that, I have another busy kind of way to help me spend my time. And I get to know a group of normal friend in my school at that time. And this is very helpfull. Without them to go out or spend time with me, I really donno what kind of monster will I become. And for sure, my secondary school life will have nothing beside sex to be remember. They are now my god sister.
Friend is one of the most important element in our life, and because of my weird and maybe unfriend and quite personaly. Friend is the most difficult person for me to get. And I'm glad I have some now, some sincere one. Is a very good feeling, when they is someone to sms you to tell you that school is having a holiday tomorrow, when thats free time, someone will invite you to go to do things you like, when they is about to exam, someone they to give you tips and notes. I never felt more happy then now in my five year of secondary school life. Although it is short, but it is memorable.
I'm the only child in the house, I never thought i will have brother to care and concern about me, and this year, i have two. One is call zeron, who chat with me all the time, and another is my older koko, steve, who really really concern about me alot.
Future is somethind I could never imagine, everyone around me is busy on apply for scholarship and college. And this had make me panic. I'm not sure what I'm going to with my future. After the SPM examination. there will me nothing else I need to do. And I still haven't figure out what I want.............

Wish???

When I first write the blog, I go on checking the comment. Hoping that someone will drop me a comment about my blog. After a while I find that, there will no comment for me, I stop checking on it. And today, I suddently go to check the blog and the comment again, And very supprise I find that there is quite lot of comment. And one of it under the birthday part of blog, there is a comment ask me to make my wish, and it might be come true. So I think, why don't I give it a try??
I think what I want this year is a lot of friend, a good good BF, people who will celebrate with me, and the meterial part ah.. Accesory, cloth and other gift is good enough for me. I'm already very happy to find that there is people out there who is care about my birthday...

SPM Countdown....

I still have 32 day before my SPM examination. which is quite near. Which also mean I have no time to waste anymore. And It is funny, because some of my friend ask me not to press to much to myself. So that i will not feel stressfull. But actually, When the time get nearer to the exam, I feel more releast then ever. Cause I will finaly put some afford on my study. And I didn't expect much for the result. Since I'm a really lazy person, who never really touch the book( Text book) For two, I Didn't really dream to get a A's result. AS long as all the credit in all the subject will be good enough for me. Because thats all I need for my further college study. And by today, I have really make up my decision not to go to form 6. One of the reason is because most of the people say it is a waste of time. And I have no interest to get a seat in the local u which is very difficult thing for chinese student.
Now I have two or three option. First is to dream that I will be chosse into the matrisculation. By this way, I will consider to go for local u. Beside this, I will start working right after my exam. To save some money for my future study. I been thinking to Stop my studying for one or two year. I will continue my tertiary study when I save enough money to pay for good college and a good business course I want.
The only problem I'm having now is that how and where should I look for to get a weel paid job. I'm wondering, Is that too much to hope that I will earn about 3000 something a week. By this amount of money, I can reduce the time I should go for working. But most of my friend tell me that this is not possible to get a job that high paid. And I think I'm going to porve them they are wrong. Going for a ful time job and one part time job might help me achieve the target. I just hope that I will enlarge the group friend I knew. So that it will be more convenien for me to get a good job.
And it is funny, When I'm online in the morning. One of myfriend ask me to updated my blog faster. I thought most of the people know that I don't have pc in my house. And I can only post a new blog when I have a chance to go to cc for plenty of hour. So People who are desprately waiting to read my blog, plz forgive me.........

17 is coming...

I never thought this will come to me so fast. This month already october. Onlt have few more week lelf before my birthday at 24. And after that day, I have to tell people that I'm 17 years old but not the 16 years old i uesd to tell people. I can still remember that I start dating my first bf at form 2. And now is already form 5, I still didn't have a single chance to celebrate valentine day or my birthday with anyone. And i know for sure that, this year will still on my own, The same I get for last year and the last last year. The people who with me that day mostly still will be my parent. And I shall feel greatfull enough if there is anyone who actually remember my birthday and great me for that. A presant is to much for an little expetation. Eventhought I really hope someone4 will take that day as a very serious day and be there for me. And i know it will be another hope that will fall me, I guess i just have to work harder next year, to now be alone in my birthday.........

What people say about this.......

Is very happy to find that, there is actually some people out there who are really going through all the thing i have wrote. When I know about this, is is really touch. But A lot of people who have read my blog, there will show concern and tell me that my blog is very sad. I wonder why will my blog let them feel that way?
People who know me really much will actually know that I'm not that kind of chillfull person, which mean I like to keep thing to myself and thing about a lot of nonsen to make myself feel sad. My friend say this is too emotional. To make myslef a better and sunny person. I trying to hide this dark side of myself and express it to my this little blog. So that I will look more sunny, chillfull and welcome by most people. In this case, I starting to wondeer, How am I suppose to express my feeling without this blog?
Before I get my Ideal Boy friend....

Attach......

A word I shall be proud of once upon the time. A word I hate the most because of someone. A way to escape from the can't help lonelyness. Represent another relationship that I never thought myslef will jump into. It means alot to me, in the past. I guess it will still bring alot of meaning to me now. If i suceed to search for a new meaning for being attach. A meaning, Beside then come out of lonelyness, A meaning beside that having a chance to get hurt, A meaning, waiting for the phone to rang when you know that it will never rang, A meaning, cry by myself alone in the darkness eyes, while everyone is having a sweet dream. This is what attach mean to me, a meaning that i never want to study once again. ...........

Exam??

I'm having my Spm trial now. SAme like the other exam we are having for this entire year. I remain sleeping when everyone is doing thier paper(I mean for those paper I really donno how to finish it). I notice that something is diffrent about this exam. Because alot of people is copying answer and even passing the paper around. This is too much. I wonder that is this still call a exam? Sometime they even copy the entire answer paper to get in. For certain teacher who are easy to bully, soem of the brave student dare to walk around the class room to copy answer.
And the most annoying thing is that, when I trying to ask the person infront of me to comfirm about a question I'm not comfirm. She tell me that she don't know. When her friend ask her, she can give the answer directly. What is that??
why is this happend to me?? Are there really that much of people who are dislike me? Or is just people just feel like hate me when they saw me??
I wonder...

People are leaving..

I used to hear this when i was a child, they said that, people will lift us as we grow older. I don't understand that at that time. Now I do. People lift not because they reall want to. Sometime, theeere are force to lift. Just like we have lose several of friend when we gratuate. Although we promise will get back with each to each other, no matter how many year we gratuate. but this is just a empty promise. We can't do anything if someone broke the promise. Beside this,m alot of thing can make people lift us. Some missunderstanding or qualrel also can make this happend..
And the most unwanted one is when someone is die.
Last week my grandma is gone, wednesday. Feeling is complicated, donno shall I feel sad or glad. She have beed suffer for storke for 6 year and more. Die maybe a relief for her, And a relief to out family financial burden. But, she's neveer there anymore. After she die. We can never see her or chat to her. what she left is ashs. For us to rememberr her..
die is still a scary thing for me. I still cannot imagine that. Hopefully that my health will remain good. So that my friend and family don't have to face this problem..

Something happy....

Last saturday is quite a happy day to spend in a cc for the entire day. Because that is the one and only day I'm really busy chatting with friends in msn. I find that it is very exhausting to chat with friend non stop in msn. Even I have been wishing for that day happend for a very long time. And i couldn't believe that I have decide to end all the conversation after chatting for sometime, because of tired. And I also have start achieving some result in the warcralf, cos i have done a monster kill in dota. And I really happy about it. Cause for most of the time, I am the weaker player on that game. And whichever team I'm in, The team will lose. So, I think after all the praticing, I will no longer to be the factor of losing in the game. Atleast I hope so..
And in the monday, I have gone to meet someone. A kid call titus, A kid call titus that are two years older then me. Is quite a nice and Funny guy...

I spent the entire day in cyber cafe..

I do this a lot after I become single again. I guess here is the only place I can spent the entire day without feeling useless and boring. But I'm not sure doing this view benefict me. I just know I have to be at someway beside my house. sometime I feel bored when I go online. Seems like there is nothing I can do for going online. I don't have alot of friend to chat with, I don't have a lot of mail to reply. Even when I play game, I might also cannot get someone to play with me. The only good thing is, time is passing. And the day have been wasted. Once again like i usde to do.

Lonely inside..

Feeling really lonely. Yesterda alot of people went to count down. But none of it ask me out. I wondering why, is that because I don't have alot of friend is just I'm not a popular person among myfriend. Take a short review to the lifestyle I"m having. I find that, most of the time I am hanging out with girl. This may not be the bad thing. But might be the bore thing. After hanging out with girl for such a long time, I find that I donno how to comunicate with guy anymore. donno what shall I talk to them. And I might bore them when I having a conversation with a guy.
Being a only child in the family have make me suffer for lonely in house for a very long period. And I don't want to remain the same boring lifestyle in the coming future. I think what I should do is trying to make more friend. So that I don't have to feel lonely when big event is on.

starting a NEW LIFE from today

I hope I will get rid of him and start a new life from today on. Cause I know that I canot kept thinking about him and do nothing beside feelind sad. If i have brave enogh to end the relationship with him, I guess I brave enogh to move on without him. Soak in sadness he leave to me will never bring me to any where.
And i finf that my teech is about to drop, the front teech, is scary. And my steve kor kor said, is because of gum infection, have to go wash teech only can cure wo. If not, all of my teech will drop. Sound really scary lei. I want to have all my teech lah!!!
Don't have mood to write liao.
Continue to write when i make sure that my teech will never leave me fist lah..
I will really thank god if my teech i safe...
Plz........

Afterall the thing i gone thgough, I'm single again...

I'm very supprise that this will happend. Even n my dream I'm also never thought that, I will be the one to end this relationship. I can still remember the time I promise him that, I will never leave him, but now, I have broke my promise. I really did. Can he blame me for what had happend to us today, My heart is empty after realize about this. I'm single again.
Actually, that wouldn't be alot of change to my life after breaking up with him, before we break up, I also seldom notice the apperamce of him in my life. When I"m sad, people around me to support me is all my friend. Where is he when I"m need him? Maybe is dating with eric, or having fun with another men. I think i can have a better life without his interuption.
Before I found him(Kent), I'm already give up to the said that, there is true love some where waiting for us to search. And his the one who make me belive this again, and I'm used to thought he will be the one who be with me forever. Being with him i can think about future. But thats nopt true, everything is just a big lie form him, he never as good as I thought, and never love me as much as I thought he did. But what can I do? Delete all the sweat and painfull memory he gave to me? Or I can take this expereince to remind myself, not to trust people so easily, and don't ever let anyone to hurt me again.
Maybe he is not a good lover, but he is really a good teacher, I learn alot from him, I learn how to notice when people telling lie, And I learn how to make people tell the true. I have this skill is because, he lie to me too much. Uncountable.
Wish that I will get more friend, Lover is no longer a need for me, but friend is.
Never trust about true love, Having fun in this not so long life is more important that searching someone that you never found........

Want to cry...........

I really want to cry, but i donno how, I try so hard to cry, but I can't. Yesterday, I thouhgt I still thought I can cope with my feeling, but today is another diffrent story. Today in school, I have been call out by dicipline teacher, and have been punish for being late to school 22 time. Beside this, he ask me to report to him everyday before 7.30 and ask my parent come to see him next week. If not I will be "gantung". Wondering why are this happend to me, is that becuase my life does not bad enough, they instinctly want to do something to make my life worse?
Yesterday night, my aunt have quarell with his husband, I was in room. I really scare. Listen on thier fight remind me to the old day that my parent used to fight. It is very frightening everytime they are fight, and I can do nothing beside sitting there and cry. Trying to stop them from fighting will only scold by both of them. There is problem betwend all the family members in my house, my mom cannot stand my father and the other women my father have, my father cannot stand with both of his women and think they are anoying, my aunt disagree with what myu father do to us, but she also dislike my mother action. Everytime I feel sad because of this, my friend will only tell me, is not my business, i don't have to feel sad. And thought that, I'm thinking to much and worry to much.
Am i thinking too much? Or is just they are not understand with what I'm facing? That is all my family, how can I not to think about their problem and feel sad when I couldn't solve it?

Don't like to regret.....

In my 16 years of living, I had regret for two time. Once is in Form 2. That was a long time ago story. That is the second year I'm in the secondary school, everythign is still very fresh for me. And i don't have a lot of friend, especially girl friend. She Prisscila is the first female best friend in my life. That time i have fall in love to one of the girls in our class. And she have give me whatever advie she can give to me. And she have acompany me when I'm sad because that girl don't like me. Everything is very normal, and very fun also. My first time out with friend, she is the one who ask me out. at that moment, i thought that, our friendship will last forever. But everything is diffrent when i found out that, she had fall in love with me. And i try my best to deny my feeling toward her. And I'm very succesfull, atleast i thought I'm successfull. After i have reject her, I regret already. I know that I love her a lot, but everything is over when the time I realize about this. Since then, i have promise myself not to feel regret anymore in my life, only make the decision that i will never regret.
I almost felt that feeling again last day, but today, that is a big changing in the situation. He came to talk with me again. I can feel that he was telling true. Never lie de.
And I'm quite hate myself lately, always watching tv and never study, become very lazy liao. And exam is coming. What shall i do??

People are changing....

People is changing as we glow up. We had meet with diffrent type of people in diffrent stage of life, and i believe that, no matter how close you are getting with someone. There will still be a day to say good bye. So i guess, before we learn to be happy with what we have, we have to learn to say good bye. There is a right timeing for everything to let go, thing will never getting better if we keep it here. It may be another good start when we let go something.
I have thing so much about letting go is because, gratuation is near. And I still not prepare to say good bye with my friend. Everything is still fresh. Is just like, I have step into this school yesterday. Eventhoght I'm not a popular person in school and i never be. But i still hope that, this stituation will keep on until we have prepare to go. Maybe we have not prepare for the future chalenge. All this maybe is just one of the excuse i use to make myself stay.
I believe that, there is a bright side behind the darkness. Eventhought i have to face with the leaving scholl sadness. Thats still something for me to feel happy of. Today will be the third month we(kent and me) being together. Neverthought we can be together for this long time. Everything is just like a dream. And i don't feel that we have only be together for three month only. We have been through so much thing together.
Mayeb is because I'm too sensitive, or what. I have notice that, there is some change have happend to him lately. And i can't tell what exactly the change is, but I''m sure that, something is diffrent aboput him, i know it. hopefully that, this kind of change will never damage our relation. And I hope that we will be together forever. I'm still wish that, next year bon-o-dori. He will be the one who go with me. The one I love.
I'm hope i have glow as I'm getting old. Think more mature to face with future chalenge....

A week in hell.....

Last week everything is just like hell for me. Get sick from tuesday, suffer because of cold and headheach. And the most importan one is, I cannot tell kent how am i doing. Because he is sick also, and eric is sick all the time. So, i should not be his another burden. Telling him I'm sick or I was not feeling well will only pull me into hell. But i guess that is not important, since i have recover already.
After i recover, i realize something. Being heathy is fun. So, we have to take care of our body, not to fall sick so easily..
Donno what to say liao, to be continue...

Seems like sleeping is a difficult task nowaday.....

I'm the kind of people who cannot be wake up after falling assleep. But after i meet kent, everthing is differnet. Sometime is hard to sleep without him beside me. Is a very warming experince to sleep beside him, got someone to hug me when i feel cold at night. Maybe is because I have been used with the feeling to sleep beside him, this had make me cannot sleep with out him beside. Yesterday is the same, suddently i feel lonely, and cry off. As i remember, i have been a month or two have not cry like this already. Feel very comfortable. This is been a very stressful time for me. Result is bad, and trying to do my best, have to deal with the new life style to stay with my aunt. Have to miss my bf all the time cause only can meet him once a month. I'm just wish that got someone to share my feeling. Then i will never feel so stressful already.

I really want to go.......

I thought i can go to his house today, I thought what i have to do is just asking my pareant, I thought they will allow me to go his house once i have tell them. Because of all of this i thought, i been happy for two day. And yesterday, after i'm asking my parent, the answer is shocking me. They don't let me go. Is been sometime after the last time i went to his house, feel lonely because cannot go there. Wondering why am i feeling this way? Is that because he make me feel save when i beside him, or i feel comfortable when I'm be with him? I think the only reason is I love him, I will never feel lonely when I'm be with him. Recently i miss him a lot, this had never happend since the eric incident have rise up. Wondering what is he doing anytime anywhere, even i know that he is working. After being with him for two month, I'm become stupid again, acting stupid. Even he also notice about my weird reaction, he thought something have happend to me, maybe he was right, something was happend, Now i love this guy more. This is the only reason for my weird reaction. Now what i will do is go off line, and when home to ask my aunt again, cause I REALLY WANT TO GO/////

Feel lonely....

Today school timetable is boring. Once again i think alot of rubbish things. Wondering why my bf is still with me, compare with eric, i'm really nothing. They look so nice when both of them being together. Am i the one who are not suppose to appear? Been in this relationship is difficult for me in the first time. But now, I already used with it. This really not my first time, and sure he is not my first love. but be with him i feel so helpless. Getting lonely and missing him all the time. This kind of thing never happend when i with other people. He say he manage to control himself not to miss someone so much. I wonder how did he manage to do this. Even if i just be beside him, i will feel saver, and happier. This is kind of feeling that his the only one can give me. Wondeering will i have to leave him someday, cause i still cannot imagine a day without him in my life. People tell me this is bad, I should not be to depentent to somebody, even is the one i love, have to prepare myself to be indepentend. So that i still can move on without anyone in my life. Maybe the peole who are saying have not feel the feeling to be protected. Or to be care. Maybe is because he give a lot of attention to me when we just started, thats why i willing to forgive him no matter what he did. He is a weird person, really don't like people to cheat on him, but he did it himself. Shall I blame him for this? I don't think so, right this moment, i only want him to be happy. Aand he seems really happy when he be with eric. Maybe himself did not realize, he is not hapy before eric appear. I don't have to compare he love me or eric better. Cause i know, he will be happier if he be with him. Maybe this is the main reason i donno why are him still be with me. But i do believe his still love me. I still got a importaant place deep inside his heart. I tell myself.........

What am i thinking?

I'm not really want to come to cyber cafe one. Trying to safemoney. Almost broke liao. But my sis still pull me here. I thinki still have time to boost my result. Afterall, i still have 3month to prepare for my exam. And i knw that this exam is reallyimportant for my future. My future is count on this. Feel sicktoday, no appetide to eat also. But i have force myself to eatsomething. Maybe i should tell my boy friend that i'm not feelingwell. But i really donno how to tell him how am i doing already.After all the things have happend, our relationship have back tonormal. But something is deffrent, i feel that is hard to seekcare and concern from him. Maybe i should tell myself, i can seekcare and concern from my friend too, i'm not really have to askthem from him also. donno why am i acting like this, i'm reallydon't mind about this three people relationship already. I wanthim to be happy, and he is happy with this waay, so i'm happy forhim too. Actually it is a bot fun too. Sometime me and my brothercan bully him together. haha I think the reason i donno how to tell him what do i feel isbecause, i feel them i'm no value to him liao. Still remember thelast time i feel saaad in ront of him, that day i'm very scare,scare he will leave me, so what i do is beg him to stay. Now i think back, did my action make myself cheap? I wonder. But i'm glad we are still happy together...

Get start with a new Blog...

This is the third blog i have in the internet world. Now is 4o'clock, still don't want to go home, hanging around in theInternet Cafe. Because i know that, when i'm go home, i will feelthe sme feeling. Lonely. Is weird, yesterday, i didn't close my eyes for a second. But istill don't feel sleepy now. I know that my kent(my bf) is now with eric(his another bf), sohe may not have time to chat with me or anything. so better if idon't go home first. Yesterday i facing with the same oldproblem, misunderstandind betwen my father and mother, even iknow what is happening, but i still can't stop them frommisunderstood each other. feel useless.